Breaking News

I need handlers or an earpiece with someone on alert 24/7 just to save me from myself.

Strolling out of the grocery store I happened upon a casual acquaintance. And when I say casual acquaintance I mean someone with whom I have made eye contact with more than once and have maybe nodded and smiled at. This particular person is someone that I run into about once a month and exchange pleasantries like “hi” and “what a great day“, the conversation really doesn’t evolve past that point. I don’t think I have ever uttered her name. I’m not even sure I know her last name. Doubtful that I could pick her out of a line-up. For now, I am ever hopeful, fingers crossed, we’ll someday be sipping International Coffees in my shabby-chic sitting room, with the sun hitting us at the most attractive angles,reminiscing about our trip to Paris and that cute waiter..what was his name?.. Jean-Luc!.ahhh, but for now, we are just mostly silent extras in the movies of each other’s lives.

Lady in navy t-shirt, Gas station woman, Restaurant patrons, Woman at stoplight.

Babbling idiot.

On my way to my car I spot her coming down the parking lot with a baby carrier. And because we are practically soul mates I have to run over and make a fuss and get all the details.
“Hi! You have new Baby?”
“Boy or Girl”

I don’t take the monosyllabic responses as code for scram, I see them as her being conservative with her speech so that she can hear more of my pearls of wisdom.

What a great friend :)…perfect for me!

And so I implode:

“Wow, what a year for you, And I don’t even remember you being preg“….and just right there my brain/ my handlers would like to have a word with me.

In my office, Rene…

“But I just want to say a few”…


“Do you think it is at all possible that your new best friend adopted her baby?
“Let me run a clip of your meeting last month…she’s wearing a tank top, jogging shorts and appears to competing in a road race…does she look at all pregnant to you?”
“I’ll make the necessary corrections up here but I can’t control your foot going into your mouth while I’m busy…Shall I call for help or shut down voicebox?”
“No ( but I say it in a very tweeny way) Noooowah….”
“Please be careful”

All I could come up with next was “God Bless” said several times in the rather sing songy way of the dodo.

God Bless, God Bless, Well…God Bless, like an emcee at Achoo-a-palooza.

All she could do was just smile and nod at “Confused Woman” and wonder how she could edit my scenes out of her movie.

Hey, at least I got lines this time! 🙂

Reneland, nice place to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there…

stuff like this happens…

Peace – Rene


21 thoughts on “Breaking News

  1. "Silent extras in the movies of each other's lives." I am always amazed at how you beautifully describe the most mundane things.Don't feel bad. We've all had those moments when we've started to shove feet into our mouths.

  2. I'd love to tell you will stop doing this as you get older, but, honestly, Old Dog LIVES to watch me embarrass myself. For what it's worth, it makes hilarious blog fodder!

  3. A scene from the movie of my life:[This conversation took place after running into an acquaintance who I don't see very often. I knew she was pregnant the last time I saw her, but I didn't remember how long ago that was. She had put on a LOT of weight in the meantime.]Me: You look great! When is the baby due?Acquaintance: [confused] Uhhh…I had the baby 8 months ago…Me: [Oh shit] Mmmmthph [trying to remove foot from mouth] Mmmmphth…gfgfgjf…That was pretty much the end of the conversation. I haven't seen her since.

  4. This may not be helpful…. YOU ARE TOO, TOO, FUNNY!!!! You just started my day with a great laugh…. thanks! * and the memories of all the times I've been trying to get both my feet past my Adam's Apple….. It'll get better…. And if it doesn't.. You'll write about it! ( Beautifully..)

  5. Oh, sugar, I'd volunteer to help, but you'd end up worse off than before – I have been known to carry inept to a whole new level! And sometimes my brain-to-mouth filter goes missing and things just spill forth with alarming speed and volume, usually causing a sort of human red-tide as the blush factor climbs through the roof. Sometimes I wonder if I have a foot fetish, mine's so often lodged in my mouth…Silent extras in the movies of each other's lives…I like that…Shade and Sweetwater,K (who sometimes thinks she plays a bit part in her OWN life, never mind anyone else's)

  6. Ha, you made me laugh so hard.Together you and I could go forth and offend the world.Hey, at least you didn't say something like"nice, you've already lost MOST of the baby weight", because I can tell you first hand, people who have adopted their babies do not like that line one bit.Thanks for the laugh!

  7. Oh my!By the way you know what is worse? a friend of mine once asked a woman when she had her baby and the woman said "I wasnt pregnant I am just fat".Not that my dear was horrific.By the way I am in Maine! what a bum of a summer thus far!

  8. I'm not even going to read the other comments. This has me rolling on the floor. Thank you, Rene, for your writing. It's exactly what I need. You are, as Braja said on one of my shout outs to you, the queen.

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